Following my last post, I received some interesting testimonials about this notion of friend-lover (term I prefer to sex-friend).
I confirm that society makes a difference between friendship and love, but that this border remains very personal. I understand that we are not asking the same things our friends and partners. But, for some like Bimbo, it is only a matter of attachment that draws the barrier. For others, it is based on the presence or absence of sexuality. Like what, everyone has his own definition like for love.
As Bimbo so rightly told me, finding a lover is easy now with social networks, but in this situation, we only fill the carnal pleasure. Personally, to leave me in a man’s arms, I need a connection that transient lovers don’t bring. Now, with a friend-lover, you share much more than your body.
There are some advantages to this relationship. This friend-lover is a true friend to the extent that he remains your privileged confidant to whom you can tell your little misfortunes and dating, as he can also confide without fear of judgment. It is so easy to turn to him to ask for his opinion, to seek his advice and to take refuge in his arms in case of sadness. And in addition, he will appease you by perfectly fulfilling his role of lover, because under the duvet, you will not ask you questions, everything is simple with a friend-lover.
According to the various testimonies, I was able to gather the elements that push somebody to try the adventure of friend-lover.
- Avoid sexual and emotional deprivation
Even if having a relationship with a friend-lover does not prevent us from finding “the partner of our life”, it is beneficial. In fact, this particular friendship makes it possible not to know the lack, because it tends to push you towards someone not out of a real desire, but out of necessity to make up for this lack, which all ends up obsessing you. The risk is to make appointments to reassure yourself about your power of seduction, without being sufficiently attuned to the other to know who he(she) is, what he(she) wants and whether he(she) have what you are looking for. As a general rule, when you’re in need, you don’t feel like talking about yourself personally and getting involved in a nascent relationship.
- Filling the fear of loneliness
In the experience of those around me who have attempted this, the friend-lover relationship is satisfactory when the partners are already of a certain age and have already experienced a genuine relationship, which they do not wish to relive.
But I’m wondering why that kind of relationship should be chosen just to fill a void. Are we afraid of past failures, of the sufferings experienced, or simply the fear of the unknown? I am not convinced of the merits of this point. I don’t think we need to enter into that relationship on that basis, because I think it’s going to cause a lot of suffering.
- Have a satisfying and unconstrained relationship
In this day and age, we no longer seek the sense of security of marriage like our parents. With a friend-lover, the relationship can be defined as that of a couple who know themselves on the fingertips, in which there is a high level of complicity and a real attraction. On the other hand, there is no commitment beyond the one we could identify in a friendly relationship, which makes it easy to create and break the bond unlike a real couple.
I understand that while these individuals most often refuse to engage in a genuine relationship for personal reasons, they do not wish to maintain relationships in which emotions have no place—
They are also called “friends with rights and no strings attached” because they love each other, care for each other, make love, but do not want any definite commitment. They just want their relationship to be unique, intense and satisfying. Unlike real couples based on feelings, relationships with a friend-lover are based on attraction
But be careful, this type of relationship also presents a bad side of the coin.
- Is that a masked love?
In the friend-lover situation, it may also be that, without really being aware of it, there are feelings well hidden in yours depths that you do not want to admit. That’s why unconsciously, you don’t really want to meet someone.
Subconsciously, you wait for this special friendship without attachments to be transformed into true love, and most often you suffer from this situation, which you do not want to give up because you are waiting for something else with this person.
- The illusion of happiness
You may also be hiding a simple truth: it is not by choice that you “settle” for a friend.
You eagerly desire to meet someone to build a long relationship, but out of ease or some other reason, you prefer to remain in the illusion that you are very happy like this.
What matters here is that you trust your feelings and listen to your desires. No rules should dictate what you should do. Keep in mind that your story is special and unique, like all stories. What matters is to feel in sync with your desire, to feel good and to feel at peace with your desires. Then, before you embark on the adventure, remember to check that your friend is on the same wavelength as you. Only one way to do this is to communicate honestly with him and as often as necessary.
Finally, if all the visionaries are green, let things be lived, with an open mind, with respect for each other and for oneself, without a project, without a preconceived idea, receptive to the surprises of life…